Most of the time, people like to ask the question,
“You turn me on, what turns me on,”
I turn myself on when, I turn on my desires, I wake up when …
The dimension to sexual desire/dysfunction is not addressed at all in the scientific literature. The sexual response comprises three phases:
Desire, Arousal and orgasm.
Desire is the anticipation through imaginary processes of a pleasure hoped for in reality. It both precedes and accompanies the rise of excitation or arousal.
The spaces in between
Two minds and all the places they have been
The spaces in between
I try to put my finger on it..
Now, in this paradox between love and desire, what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients that nurture love — mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry, responsibility for the other — are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire. Because desire comes with a host of feelings that are not always such favorites of love: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness, mischief. Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day. You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct. If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses, we wouldn’t be having such interesting talks about this.
Our need for connection, our need for separateness, or our need for security and adventure, or our need for togetherness and for autonomy, and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable, – at some point all of us need to go out into the world to discover and to explore.
|That’s the beginning of desire..|
That exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.
And then at some point they turn around and they look at you. And if you tell them, “Hey the world’s a great place. Go for it. There’s so much fun out there,” then they can turn away and they can experience connection and separateness at the same time. They can go off in their imagination, off in their body, off in their playfulness, all the while knowing that there’s somebody when they come back.
But if on this side there is somebody who says, “I’m worried. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. My partner hasn’t taken care of me in so long. What’s so good out there? Don’t we have everything you need together, you and I?” – Where we find ourselves coming to terms with sacrificing.
“I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection. I won’t know how to leave you in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure, in order to discover, to enter inside myself.”
So what happens, if you want to sustain desire, it’s that real dialectic piece. On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go. On the other hand if you can’t go, you can’t have pleasure, you can’t culminate, you don’t have an orgasm, you don’t get excited because you spend your time in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.
There are a few things that I’ve come to understand erotic couples do.One, they have a lot of sexual privacy. They understand that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them. They also understand that foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm. They also understand that an erotic space isn’t about, you begin to stroke the other. It’s about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.
And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen who is taking care of things and being responsible.
Responsibility and desire just
They don’t really do well together.
We must understand that passion waxes and wanes. It’s pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses. But its that never ending game of how to resurrect it – know how to bring it back. Know how to bring it back because we have demystified one big myth, which is the myth of spontaneity, which is that it’s just going to fall from heaven while you’re folding the laundry like a deus ex machina, and in fact we must understand that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has… so lets make magic.